Mon, 02 Dec 2024 - on cats on rooftops

Listening to: Werewolf - Motionless In White

Feeling: sigh

[This is not a story of animal death, don't worry] Saturday evening, after hours that my cat didn't return home, i went look for him and i found him on a rooftop of a house. I thought immediately: "this is going to be problematic". I was right. He was crying and couldn't get down. I called my parents and after a while my dad came to check. We pressed the doorbell but no one arrived. After asking around, we found out how to contact the people living there: they were away until the evening of the day after. So we called the firefighters. They arrived at 9:30 pm, making so much noise and a lot of people were watching us. It was kinda funny, the whole situation. They went up with their machinery and we called him to let them catch him. Unfortunately, he decided to jump on the tree nearby, but before he could do that the firefighters tried to catch him and, while trying to avoid them he fucking fell. We were so worried but not even 30 seconds passed that my sister, who was at home the whole time, called us saying he was there. So I ran. I don't even remember the last time I ran like that. Probably during my childhood. I arrived home and he was there, completely fine and *very* scared. I got a cold because i was outside too many hours though.

Thu, 28 Nov 2024 - on blogs and thursdays

Listening to: That's So True - Gracie Abrams

Feeling: tired but content

This is becoming more of a journal for me and i don't know how to feel about that: on one side i enjoy posting my blogs, so much so i like to do it every day, on the other i feel like i should bring some sort of value to the reader? i don't even know what blogs are supposed to be, i don't think i ever read one outside of neocities and those random product reviews. Oh well. It's my website and i can do whatever.
Thursdays are long days for me: i have four lessons (i skipped one tbh) from 10:30 am to 6 pm and then i come home, have dinner and then i go to a...... i don't know how to call it..... maybe a training? it's a meeting where queer people chat and train for a ball.
I go mostly to chat ngl. I'm very excited for tonight because there are always nice people and i reeeaaaally love to chat. Still, i have three lesson before that.

Wed, 27 Nov 2024 - on my inner child and being 23

Listening to: You're gonna go far - Noah Kahan

Feeling: at the start of a new life

Yesterday i went to therapy. In my country you need to do therapy for at least 6 months before you can get hrt. I started my transition journey in september and will probably finish the 6 months in march, getting hrt in time for my birthday in april.
So yesterday i went and we talked about mostly how my family and people will feel about me transitioning: my uncle could be dangerous, my parents already know but probably won't understand how serious this is until i will get hrt, my sister doesn't use my name but calls me her brother sometimes with her friends, my cousin is really supportive, etc...
At a certain point i focused on that one feeling of grief that parents get sometimes when their child transitions. I thought about my mom experiencing that and immediately i felt it all: i started crying, it felt like i gave up a part of me, my inner child, whom i always saw as a little girl, since she always identified that way. She always gave her all, she was a good child and always did her best, did all her homework, read so many books. I'm not that person anymore. My therapist told me to write her a letter and i did: i thanked her for all she did, and said it was my turn to live this life.
After my lesson, it was raining and i was walking towards my bus stop and i was thinking and, i don't remember why, i started thinking that one day i will remember being 23 as the start of the best time in my life. It felt like my inner child died and i was born in the same day. The smell of sigarettes, dancing, meeting other queer people, going to university, listening to music, wearing pretty clothes, starting my transition: this is how being 23 feels like to me.

Tue, 26 Nov 2024 - on being a morning bird and going to night clubs

Listening to: The Greatest - Sia

Feeling: meh

Today i woke up later than usual because i went to sleep later too.
I usually go to sleep at 9 and wake up at 7. Which is...... weird. Most people barely believe me when i say that. It's funny because i always have been a night owl, and then it changed randomly in the last years. I feel good waking up in the morning and i'm so tired after 9 pm and it's VERY hard to stay awake after 11:30.
The other day i went to a club. Terrible decision because i hate night clubs, i love to get to know people and talk and i'm very embarassed when i try to dance. But still i went because my friends went and it was a *gay* night club. Ended up being bored a lot when we started dancing and the lights started to overwhelm me, but i couldn't really go outside because it was too cold. So..... at 1 am i started feeling weird: i couldn't really talk, and i didn't know if i was about to pass out or sleep standing up. A weird dude started talking to me, and again, i couldn't speak, so i made signals to my friends and we luckily went home. I really want to enjoy night clubs because it seems like people like it a lot but i find myself disappointed every single time. I guess they're not for me.

Sat, 23 Nov 2024 - sunday depression

so. i had to do so many things today, like studying and watching a video for work.
instead i woke up at 12:40, ate, wrote some stuff about my ocs, tried to draw, couldn't think of an idea, scrolled pinterest for inspo, drew but it wasn't great so i decided to keep coding my website.
it's kinda the only thing i can do these days. i like coding but it's really consuming me, since i'm using all my creative energies on my website and cannot draw. oh well, i'll draw another day.
today i didn't go out of my home, didn't really do much and i feel so..... bad. i hate sunday depression. i call sunday depression that depression that comes on a day you don't have much to do, you wake up late and it feels immediately dark outside and you don't meet anyone except maybe your family. it's saturday today but sunday depression hit already. maybe i should call it weekend depression? i feel like it give less of an impact though.

Thu, 21 Nov 2024 - updates and my chemical romance

first blog!!! yayyy!!
i am currently in my literature class, coding instead of taking notes. i am lowkey listening though.
i have another lesson later and then i can happily go home. tonight i will meet with other queer people an event and i'm very excited for it!!
if people in future are reading this, let me remind you that mcr just teased something like a week ago (or two, i'm not good with time), and i hope it's music too, other than the tour.
god, i fucking love my chemical romance. i've been a fan since 2017, because i listened to the tbp album multiple times while drawing and i ended up being a big fan of them. i think my favourite song rn is heaven help us but it changed multiple times because i love most of their songs. i saw them perform in 2022 alone and returned burned by the sun, dehydrated and with covid, and it's still one of the best experiences i've ever lived.